UK

A whole lot of poo

By team ⋅ March 29, 2008 ⋅  Email this post ⋅  Print this post ⋅ Post a comment

The Times, 5 March

Ex-showman, Joe Weston-Webb, uses old props to deter arsonists from attacking the headquarters of his portable flooring empire. When security fencing, motion-sensor lights and CCTV cameras failed to protect his property, Joe turned in desperation to old technology from his days as a travelling showman. Most amazing is the 30ft Roman catapult loaded with chicken droppings, and a canon, once used to shoot his wife across the River Avon, which fires a railway sleeper if triggered by intruders.

The sign outside Mr Weston-Webb’s business in the locally nicknamed ‘Soar Bottom’, Nottinghamshire now reads, ‘Warning: These premises are protected by smart-poo and railway sleeper projectiles.’ He told The Times: ‘I have an exploding coffin too. The intruder would have to climb into the box in order to be blown out of it and I don’t expect anyone would be stupid enough to do that, but I’m working on it.’

Mr Weston-Webb is certain that rivals of the flooring industry are responsible for past arson attacks and is preparing to defend himself with all he has. However, Nottinghamshire Police are sending officers to check on his use of conventional security techniques and ensure the use of ‘reasonable force.’ The irrepressible ex-showman has declared that ‘we are putting a rubber block on the end of the railway sleeper. It should just knock an intruder down.’