Ex-showman, Joe Weston-Webb, uses old props to deter arsonists from attacking the headquarters of his portable flooring empire. When security fencing, motion-sensor lights and CCTV cameras failed to protect his property, Joe turned in desperation to old technology from his days as a travelling showman. Most amazing is the 30ft Roman catapult loaded with chicken droppings, and a canon, once used to shoot his wife across the River Avon, which fires a railway sleeper if triggered by intruders.

The sign outside Mr Weston-Webb’s business in the locally nicknamed ‘Soar Bottom’, Nottinghamshire now reads, ‘Warning: These premises are protected by smart-poo and railway sleeper projectiles.’ He told The Times: ‘I have an exploding coffin too. The intruder would have to climb into the box in order to be blown out of it and I don’t expect anyone would be stupid enough to do that, but I’m working on it.’

Mr Weston-Webb is certain that rivals of the flooring industry are responsible for past arson attacks and is preparing to defend himself with all he has. However, Nottinghamshire Police are sending officers to check on his use of conventional security techniques and ensure the use of ‘reasonable force.’ The irrepressible ex-showman has declared that ‘we are putting a rubber block on the end of the railway sleeper. It should just knock an intruder down.’

How to be a student: find out who’s going to be sharing your soap before it’s too late. The flatmate of your dreams can be the complete opposite to the woman or man of your dreams. Someone who takes care over their appearance, has a lively social life, and cooks incredible dishes for visitors may be a great date, but as a flatmate will spend endless hours in the bathroom, run up massive phone bills, and accumulate piles of plates in the sink.

Whatever you do, make sure you know what you’re signing up to and always get to know who’s sharing the flat. Chances are the one who misses the meeting is busy practicing the drums or polishing their guns.

It’s a good idea to sort out stuff like bills from the word go. Remember that most conversations will get back to cleaning and rent, so share responsibility and know exactly what you’re supposed to be paying. Having a kitty is usually a great idea, but get a heads up about what everyone thinks are ‘essential communal items’. Some will say Flash and air freshener; others, kidney beans and condoms. You will soon know everything about your flatmates, from how often their mum rings to what they sing in the shower. Even their eating habits, musical tastes and sexual practices will become part of your life, whether you like it or not. Make sure you all agree on the meaning of clean.

Finally, if you get down about anything, it’s always better to chat – calmly – than to write sarcastic notes, bang the walls, and take up heavy sighing. And remember that at least you all have a common enemy – the landlord.

A mother who was raped in front of her screaming children by a gang of youths has hit out at YouTube for allowing the film to be seen on its video website. The three-minute clip, filmed on a mobile phone on November 6, was posted immediately and remained on the site for three months. In this time, it was seen over 600 times.

The 25 year old woman, from South London is distraught, and has condemned YouTube bosses, who only removed the clip in mid-February after receiving complaints. ‘How could anyone allow anything as degrading as that to be posted on the internet?’ she said. ‘They were really hurting me. My daughter was crying and I could not get to her. Afterwards, they called me a slag and a bitch. I felt so ashamed.’

A spokesman for YouTube claimed that it was impossible to keep track of every video posted on the website, and that it was up to viewers to police content. ‘YouTube is a community site used by millions of people in very positive ways. Sadly, as with any form of communication, there is a tiny minority of people who try to break the rules.’

Over half of adults are unemployed and on benefits in sixty areas of Britain today, reveal official figures. Furthermore, one in five children in Britain – 2.2 million – now live in households entirely dependent on state benefits, the highest proportion in Europe. Areas including parts of Manchester, Liverpool, London and Plymouth are high on the league table of places with the largest tally of claimants. In one part of Rochdale, near Manchester, 76% of working-age adults are receiving out of work benefits.

Chris Grayling, the shadow work and pensions secretary, said: ‘We are all paying a price for this failure as a nation, not just in the billions we spend on benefits but also in terms of social costs like crime and antisocial behaviour.’

A transatlantic survey of more than 4,000 twins has suggested that humour regarded as typically British – biting sarcasm, teasing and self-deprecation – is linked to genes found in British men and women, but not in Americans.
While both sides of the Atlantic are able to look on the bright side and appreciate jokes, often known as positive humour, the genes associated with negative humour were only found in the UK. Experts are baffled by the results, but say that the findings may explain why the denigrating humour of Fawlty Towers, Blackadder and The Office is accepted in the UK, where many Americans can find it too aggressive.

The study examined the genetic and environmental contributions to humour in nearly 2,000 pairs of UK twins, comparing the results with a US study of 500 sets of North American twins. Dr Martin, from the University of Western Ontario, said that results showed that ‘In North American families, there was a genetic basis to positive humour, but negative humour seems to be entirely learned…In the UK, both positive and negative styles had a genetic basis in the sample.’

It is suggested that Americans cannot understand the British desire to keep putting themselves down. Comedian Charlie Higson claimed that such humour was less sophisticated than American humour, where clever people did clever things. David Brent offers another explanation: ‘There’s a weight of intellect behind my comedy.’

The Royal Shakespeare Company are arguing that children should be taught Shakespeare as young as four, before they become intimidated by the language. Introducing such works to teenagers is too late. Jacqui O’Hanlon, head of education at the RSC, argues that ‘there’s been a lot of success with four-year-olds. With primary school kids, there isn’t a fear factor because they’ve never heard of him.’

It is currently compulsory to study Shakespeare from the age of 13 and is the only mandatory component of the national tests at 14. However, a spokesman for the exams watchdog, the Qualification and Curriculum Authority, claimed that the review of primary curricula, ordered by the government, would be an excellent opportunity to address the subject.

The suggestion for a 50p tax on alcopops, such as Bacardi Breezers, is part of the Conservative’s planned drive to cut the consumption of ‘problematic alcoholic drinks’ by half. This will help to target the British culture of binge drinking, which is highly popular among the young. The Tories hope to put a dent in teenager’s ability to drink excessively, proposing:
‘Trebling the duty on alcopops by increasing the price of a 275ml bottle of drinks such as WKD, Bacardi Breezer and Smirnoff Ice by more than 50p; increasing the tax on super-strength beer, such as Carlsberg Special Brew and Tennents Super, and increasing the price of a 500ml can of 8.5% ABV beer by 32p; doubling the tax on super-strength cider, such as Diamond White, and increasing the price of a three-litre bottle of 8.5% ABV cider by £1.25.’

Students in St Andrews, Scotland’s oldest university, will finally be allowed to host their first rave. The party will allow 1,200 students to dance the night away, waving glow-sticks and hailing Ministry of Sound DJs, in the 15th century St Salvator’s Quadrangle. The event was only approved after students begged the principal to accept the venue as the site for the launch of their charity fashion show FS:08, in aid of Macmillan Cancer Support.

The cost of cocaine has dropped dramatically, after criminal gangs, operating with impunity out of new trafficking hubs in West Africa, start to target Europe. This comes after the saturation of the market in the US, leading traffickers to broaden their horizons.

According to government figures, the average street price of a gram of cocaine has fallen from £71 to £45 in the last decade. Today, the level of cocaine use in Britain remains one of the highest in Europe, along with Spain and Italy.

The annual report of the United Nations drug control agency has warned about the power of criminal drug gangs around the world. The report also made a point of condemning celebrities who glamorise drug-related lifestyles, because it sends the wrong message to young people. Criticism is also targeted at the leniency shown towards famous people, who are caught misusing drugs. This is particularly relevant after widespread media attention was turned towards stars like Amy Whinehouse and Pete Doherty, both with serious drug problems.

Celebrity drug offenders can profoundly influence public attitudes, values and behaviour towards drug abuse, particularly among young people’, the report says. ‘The authorities…should ensure that public celebrities who violate drug laws are made accountable.’

Cocaine is trafficked from Colombia through Brazil and Venezuela to West Africa on ships, private yachts, and private jets. Here it is repacked into smaller quantities before being smuggled to Europe, using locally recruited couriers. Sometimes, cocaine is exchanged for heroine from Afghanistan as it transits through India. Main airports used by drug traffickers include Dakar, Conakry, Freetown, Banjul, Accra and Lagos. New routes through North Africa and the Arabian peninsula are also emerging.

Britain has taken a lead in fighting the rising opium production in Afghanistan, which was figured at 8,2000 tonnes last year and has reached 61,000 tonnes in the last 12 months.

It cost Tory HQ £3320 to deep clean John Prescott’s former grace-and-favour flat in Whitehall, the famous scene of his romantic assignations with his diary secretary Tracey Temple. Answering Conservative questions, the Tory’s complained of the ‘exorbitant’ cost of cleaning the two-bedroom flat at Admiralty House. They pointed out that this was a great difference from the £220 commercial contractors normally charge to clean such properties after tenants move out. It was also made clear that the cleaning bill was on top of the £173,000 yearly cost to the public purse of the flat.

Eric Pickles, the Shadow Communities Secretary, said: ‘John Prescott left behind a shambles in Whitehall. Now, we discover his grace and favour could have done with a liberal does of “Shake And Vac” and, as usual, he is expecting the long-suffering taxpayer to clean up after him. Serious questions must be asked about the growing cost of these luxury government flats left empty for long periods of time.’